my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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