I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
