After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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