If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
