Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
