I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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