I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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