If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
