I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
