She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
