dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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