My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize