You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
