I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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