Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Farmville is her only friend.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
