u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize