so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
