NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
