That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
