The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
