Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
