i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
