i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
How's work?
Spinning.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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