Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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