I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
