Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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