He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
