I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
