the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
