Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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