Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
