Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize