Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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