how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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