guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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