I want to make a zoo with you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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