Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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