you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
