One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
