Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
