This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
