You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize