I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
