I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
