I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
