Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
