he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
