I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
