I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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