I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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