I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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