Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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