booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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