the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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