Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
