Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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