im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
