I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
