like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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