then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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