Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
